10 Practical Things You Can Do Alone to Reconnect, Repair, and Rebuild—Starting Today
Yes, one person can improve a marriage. This article outlines 10 research-informed strategies you can implement—starting today—to reconnect, reduce conflict, and bring positive change to your relationship, even if you’re the only one actively working on it right now.
It’s scary when your marriage feels like it’s in trouble.
You feel like your whole world is caving in. You invested so much time and energy into the relationship. It is devastating to think that it might fall apart. You might be tempted to shut down or throw in the towel.
It’s not uncommon to feel this way. Many experience, and overcome, problems in their marriage.
- Has your communication broken down into silence, miscommunications, or arguments?
- Has the passion gotten stifled by disconnection?
- Do disagreements get swept under the rug, go unresolved, or repeatedly litigated?
- Have either of you hurt one another so often that it’s hard to trust?
- Do you feel lonely, unappreciated, resentful, or worried about where things are headed?
When your relationship feels fragile, it’s hard to know what to do next. You don’t want to waste energy on the wrong things. The truth is, there’s a lot of advice out there on how to save your marriage, but not all of it fits you, your partner, or the unique challenges in your relationship.
This article is different.
It’s not about what both of you should do. It’s about what you can do—starting today.
Conventional wisdom broadcasts that you can’t fix your relationship without your partner’s equal participation. Or that if you work on it alone, it means you have to carry the weight entirely on your shoulders. Luckily, that’s not true. If your partner can and will work on the relationship with you, both of you can implement these strategies. However, they are powerful tools even if your partner can’t or won’t work on it with you at the same time in the same way.
You are not powerless. Nor do you need to do all of the relationship work.
This article will give you ten specific, actionable strategies you can use—on your own—to start improving your marriage. These aren’t tricks or quick fixes. They’re small, intentional shifts that make a big difference over time. Because relationships are systems—when one person makes strategic changes, their partner often begins to shift with them. Done with consistency and care, they can lay the foundation for a stronger, more connected marriage.
Your marriage is worth the effort.
Every couple has really rough situations to work through. You chose your partner for good reasons. You have already invested so much into its success.
10 Steps You Can Take to Improve Your Marriage
- Assess Where the Relationship Is Right Now
- Use Appreciation to Change the Relationship
- Practice Good Relationship Habits
- Lead with Curiosity
- Find Meaning in the Struggle
- Set Small, Doable Goals
- Return to What Felt Good
- Make Repairs When Things Go Wrong
- Enlist Your Partner’s Help
- Seek Help When You Need It
Choose the strategies that are the easiest for you to implement or feel like they will have the most impact.
1. Assess Where the Relationship Is Right Now
When your marriage feels off-track, it’s tempting to either criticize, check out, or commiserate with friends. But taking an honest look at where things stand is the first step toward meaningful change. You can’t improve what you haven’t identified.
Here are some questions to help you reflect on where things stand right now:
- What’s working between us, even if it’s small?
- What have we already overcome and how did we do it?
- What were we doing at the beginning of the relationship that felt really good, but we’ve stopped doing?
- Where do we tend to get stuck—communication, emotional connection, physical intimacy, trust?
- What have we tried in the past to fix the problems that didn’t work?
Look for the pattern in your interactions—not who’s to blame. For example: “When this happens, here’s how each of us tends to respond, which then leads to this.” Identifying the cycle you both fall into gives you insight into where small changes can shift the whole dynamic.
If you feel overwhelmed by the answers to these questions, that’s okay. You’re not expected to fix everything right now. This reflection helps you step back, see the big picture, and identify where to begin. It’s a crucial first step when you’re trying to fix a broken relationship.
Tip: If you find it hard to assess things on your own, a skilled couples therapist can help you evaluate both the strengths and challenges in your relationship. Even if your partner doesn’t attend therapy with you, individual counseling can help you identify where to focus, learn new tools, and get support along the way.
2. Use Appreciation to Change the Relationship
When things are tense in a relationship, it’s easy to focus solely on what’s going wrong. The brain is hardwired to prioritize frustrations and problems—especially when we feel disappointed, hurt, or distressed. But when you constantly focus on what’s not working, the problems start to feel overwhelming or even hopeless.
Shifting your attention to appreciation doesn’t mean ignoring real problems. It means intentionally choosing to notice your partner’s effort, kindness, or partnership in addition to noticing the problems.
Here are a few prompts to help you notice opportunities for appreciation:
- What are the things that my partner does to make my life easier?
- Which chores do they take care of whether I think about them or not?
- Which parts of their character do I admire and value?
- What positive attributes make our relationship different from others?
Small acknowledgments—“Thanks for handling bedtime,” or “I love the way you made me laugh just now”—can soften resentment and build goodwill. They give the relationship an immediate boost because your partner feels seen, acknowledged, and valued which help improve your marriage, even if things are tense right now. If you wait until everything is going well, you’ll miss chances to help things go well.
Tip: Don’t be surprised if your partner seems a little suspicious at first. They may wonder what’s changed or why your tone feels different. That’s okay—just keep going. Every moment of appreciation is a deposit into your shared bank of goodwill.
3. Practice Good Relationship Habits
What you do on a daily basis has a bigger impact on your relationship than occasional big gestures or special events. One of the benefits of a long-term relationship is that small, consistent actions—done even when you are frustrated with one another—can lead to big shifts over time. Choose a couple of habits you can maintain, even when you’re upset, frustrated or distracted. Practicing them everyday is like putting a few dollars in a relationship bank account of goodwill. Plus, the act of doing something generous can make you feel better, too.
Like most people, when you’re distressed about your relationship, you may hesitate to initiate a kind action towards your partner. You might wait for your partner to make the first move, or for a wave of spontaneous love and goodwill to suddenly change the mood. But holding back often makes it take longer to recover from a misunderstanding or argument—and can set the stage for your relationship to fall into a painful stalemate.
Practicing good relationship habits means remembering that your relationship is bigger than the current disagreement. Continuing those habits—even during conflict—helps create a relationship atmosphere where repair and connection can grow.
These are some suggested relationship habits you can start using today:
- Say “good morning” and “good night” whether your partner responds or not.
- Ask them how their day was with genuine interest.
- Offer one act of genuine affection each day.
- Greet your partner warmly when they walk in the door
- Make eye contact and smile
- Reach for their hand
- Send a kind message midday
- Sit near them on the couch
These gestures aren’t fluff—they’re the glue. Over time, consistently practicing kindness, generosity, and small moments of connection can help rebuild trust and create an unbreakable bond.
Tip: You don’t have to feel warm to be caring towards your partner. If you are hurt or upset, keep the habit going, but choose a time that lets you be intentional and kind—not automatic or resentful.
4. Lead with Curiosity
When your relationship feels strained, it’s easy to assume the worst. You might hear a sharp tone and think they’re angry with you. If they forget something, you may assume they don’t care. But those assumptions—especially in moments of relationship tension—can cause you to miss your partner’s positive intentions.
If you can pause between what you see or hear and how you react, you create space for curiosity. That’s when you can reflect, consider alternative explanations, and ask openhearted questions. It’s a moment to gather more information. You can always react later—but once you’ve reacted, especially in a charged way, you can’t take it back.
Since you can’t read your partner’s mind, curiosity helps you check your story. Are you assuming the worst? Are you filling in blanks based on fear or frustration? Sometimes your partner’s intent might actually be to make things better—and you’ll only discover that if you pause long enough to check.
Here are some prompts to help you slow down and stay curious before reacting:
- What else could be true here?
- How would I have interpreted this before I was carrying so much frustration and resentment?
- What would happen if I asked a question instead of assuming I know what’s true?
Being curious doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or excusing bad behavior. It simply means slowing down your reaction long enough to understand more about what’s actually going on. When you stay curious, you give your partner a chance to clarify—and you give the relationship a chance to heal.
Being curious doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or excusing harmful behavior. It simply means slowing your reaction enough to understand more of your partner’s perception. Curiosity creates an opening—for clarity, for connection, and for healing.
Tip: If it feels too hard to practice curiosity in your marriage right now, try it in lower-stakes relationships first. Once the skill becomes more natural, bring it back to your marriage—and notice what new things you learn.
5. Find Meaning in the Struggle
When a relationship is strained, it’s easy to focus on how your partner has hurt you or what you wish they would do differently. Taking time to reflect on how they’ve influenced you for the better can shift your perspective to a more positive assessment of them.
This doesn’t mean ignoring the pain or minimizing your own needs. It simply means holding space for the good and the bad together—including the ways this relationship has shaped your growth.
Use these questions to reflect on how this relationship has improved your life:
- What strengths have I developed because of being with this person?
- How has this relationship challenged me to grow emotionally, spiritually, or relationally?
- Are there qualities I’ve gained—like patience, assertiveness, or resilience—because of our dynamic?
Recognizing how your partner has contributed to your personal growth can soften frustration and create a more generous mindset. It reminds you that this relationship, even with its struggles, has been meaningful—and may still have more to offer.
Tip: Struggling to see positive growth? Consider how your partner might have meant well, even if it didn’t land that way. Imagining a positive motive—even if you’re not sure it’s true—can help you see them with fresh eyes.
6. Set Small, Doable Goals
When your relationship feels like it’s falling apart, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and discouraged. There’s so much to fix, so much to talk about, and so many things that feel broken. You might be tempted to make grand gestures, push for changes, or try to fix everything all at once. But that often leads to burnout—or worse, another round of conflict.
A better strategy? Start small. Focus on just one or two shifts you can make this week that would ease tension or improve connection—however slightly. Choose changes you can consistently stick with, even if they don’t make a big, immediate difference.
Use these questions to identify one or two small changes you can start with:
- What small change would reduce stress or conflict in our day-to-day routine?
- What’s one way I could show up with a little more kindness or presence this week?
- Is there something I usually react poorly to that I can ignore or reframe?
- Where can I step back and allow natural consequences to change our interactions?
Small goals are more manageable, and they help build confidence and momentum. They also reduce the pressure that both you and your partner may be feeling. When things start to feel safer or smoother, your partner may naturally begin to match your energy and efforts.
It’s harder to look at your own part in a problem rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong. However, identifying and changing your part will have the biggest impact.
Tip: Think of the changes you are making as “keeping your side of the street clean.” Even if they push your buttons, taking responsibility for your part will help you feel more grounded, more empowered, and more proud of how you’re showing up.
7. Return to What Felt Good
When you are worried about your relationship, it’s easy to forget the things that once brought you joy. What felt effortless in the early days—shared laughter, fun activities, casual affection—can get lost under the weight of stress, parenting, work, or years of built-up frustration. But those old patterns often hold clues about what once worked—and what might work again.
You don’t have to recreate the entire early relationship. But you can bring back one or two behaviors that used to feel good to both of you.
These questions can help you remember what used to feel good between you:
- When we were first dating, how did we first fall in love?
- What did we do differently when things were going well?
- What small gestures or rituals helped us feel connected—coffee on the porch, text check-ins, silly nicknames?
- What did I used to do that made me feel good about myself as a partner?
Reintroducing one or two of these behaviors can reignite closeness, compassion, and a sense of partnership. Remind yourself and your partner why you chose to be together in the first place.
Tip: Choose something you’ll genuinely enjoy bringing back. It won’t feel exactly like it did in the beginning—and that’s okay. Let it be a fresh experience inspired by something that used to bring you joy.
8. Make Repairs When Things Go Wrong
Every couple hurts one another and lets each other down sometimes. You can’t be close to another person without occasionally screwing up or missing something important. The issue isn’t whether you mess up—it’s how you repair afterward. In the strongest relationships, partners have several ways of making repairs, and they use them regularly.
If you want to change the tone of your relationship, being accountable and making repairs for the ways you’ve disappointed, hurt, or let your partner down can have a big impact. When things aren’t going well, many couples get into a stalemate—each one waiting for the other to make the first move. But when you acknowledge what you could have handled differently, you often shift the conversation from blame to problem solving.
These questions can help you identify where a repair might be needed:
- When did I get defensive, shut down, or escalated a disagreement?
- What do I wish I had handled differently in our last interactions?
- How do I handle difficult interactions when I’m at my best—and how is that different from how I’ve been responding lately?
The most straightforward, widely recognized repair is a heartfelt, meaningful apology. That doesn’t mean taking full responsibility for the entire situation. Instead, it is apologizing for the ways that you let yourself or your partner down.
Keep your apology simple and specific: “I got short with you earlier. I was feeling overwhelmed, but I know that’s not fair to you.” Avoid overexplaining, defending yourself, reigniting the argument, or expecting your partner to apologize in return.
Tip: Sometimes it’s easier to make a repair when it’s grounded in your own integrity—not in how your partner behaved or whether they’ll respond. Ask yourself, “Was I who I wanted to be in that interaction?” Accountability means holding yourself to your own standard and making amends when you fall short. It’s not about what your partner does or doesn’t do—it’s about who you choose to be.
9. Enlist Your Partner’s Help
Gently, kindly, and in the spirit of collaboration, invite your partner to talk with you about your relationship. They may be used to hearing complaints or feeling blamed. Their typical responses may be to become defensive, dismissive, feel hurt, or shutdown.
You want to engage them in a different way than in the past to hopefully get a different response. Although it may take some work on your part, you can plan for a better and different conversation. Use these suggestions to develop more understanding and collaboration around problems.
Use these strategies to create the space for a more productive discussion about your relationship:
- Choose a time when you are both relaxed.
- Monitor your own emotions so you can stay calm, curious, and open to their thoughts and feelings.
- Start with a small, shared challenge—something you both experience. For example: “Our mornings never seem to go smoothly. Could we talk about options that allow everyone to start their day happier and more relaxed?”
- Focus on one small change that you both fully agree to try. Avoid sweeping changes that are likely to feel overwhelming or fail.
- When you wrap up the conversation, express genuine appreciation. For example: “Thank you for talking this through with me.” (Not: “It’s always better when you give me your attention and stay calm. I hate it when every discussion turns into a full-blown argument.”)
To the best of your ability, create an atmosphere of collaboration. Once you solve a few small problems, and your partner sees your genuine efforts to improve both of your lives, they are more likely to soften—and more willing to engage in solving bigger issues later on.
Tip: Many couples wait until the kids are in bed to talk about problems, but this often backfires. By the end of the day, you’re both tired and need time to decompress. Try to find other times to talk about problems. If that’s the only available time to talk, try 1) having the conversation outside the bedroom, and 2) keeping it short—no more than 10 to 15 minutes. Save the bedroom for rest and connection.
10. Seek Help When You Need It
Trying to improve your marriage on your own can be exhausting—and discouraging. At some point, you might feel like you’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, and tried the tips–yet nothing creates lasting change. That’s not a failure on your part. Sometimes what’s needed is a fresh perspective and relationship-specific tools, guided by a trained professional who understands what actually works.
Therapy isn’t just for couples in crisis. It’s also a valuable form of relationship help for anyone trying to reconnect, rebuild trust, or shift unhealthy patterns. And if your partner can’t or won’t attend therapy, individual counseling with a relationship-trained therapist can help you make thoughtful, strategic changes that shift the dynamic towards more positive interactions.
These questions can help you assess whether outside support might be helpful now:
- Would having a neutral, experienced guide help me understand what’s happening more clearly?
- Am I feeling discouraged, hopeless, or alone in trying to improve this relationship?
- Could I benefit from learning more tools or strategies tailored to my situation?
A skilled therapist doesn’t take sides—even if your partner isn’t present. Instead, they’ll help you clarify what matters most to you, offer targeted tools, and support you in changing patterns that aren’t working. And going to therapy on your own doesn’t mean taking on more of the emotional labor. In fact, it often helps rebalance the dynamic through clearer boundaries and natural consequences.
Tip: Learn how to choose a couples therapist who fits your needs in this guide to getting started in couples therapy. If you’ve tried couples therapy before and it wasn’t helpful, read how to spot truly effective couples therapy and avoid common pitfalls for guidance on finding the right fit this time around.
Your Efforts Matter
Just by reading this article, you’re already making a difference in your relationship. You’ve noticed that things feel off track, and you’re actively seeking new ideas to create change. That awareness—and your willingness to try something new—is the beginning of something better.
If your relationship is struggling, what’s needed isn’t more effort in the same direction—it’s a new approach. Most couples repeatedly try harder using the same old strategies, hoping for a different result. But real change often starts with one person choosing to do things differently—with intention, with patience, and with openness to new strategies.
Whether your partner actively joins you now or takes more time to engage, your efforts still matter. As your partner feels more understood, less criticized, or more connected, they’re more likely to soften and begin to meet you there. Small changes in how you show up can shift the tone between you and begin to rebuild trust. And while trust can be broken quickly, it’s rebuilt slowly—one consistent, caring action at a time.
Do you need support in this work? Therapy offers specific, actionable, and tailored strategies to improve your relationship. And if you’re facing the possibility of separation, it can also help you navigate that with clarity and care.
Schedule a free consultation and let’s talk about what’s happening—and whether therapy might help. No pressure. Just a chance to explore what’s possible.
