According to Psychology Today, a staggering 80% of couples grapple with desire discrepancy at some point in their relationship. Desire Discrepancy is when one partner wants affection or sex more frequently than the other. 

In any relationship, it’s natural for individuals to have unique needs, preferences, and rhythms—especially regarding intimacy. When mismatched levels of sexual interest persist, it causes disappointment, frustration, anger, unhappiness, conflict, disconnection, and a host of other problems. Left unaddressed, too often, it can lead to a sexless marriage. Even in an otherwise good marriage, a couple may break up when they cannot find solutions to differences in desire.

As a therapist specializing in couples and sex therapy, I frequently encounter this concern. While it’s common, it can feel incredibly isolating and discouraging. Couples often wonder, “Is this normal?” or worse, “Does this mean our relationship is doomed?” Rest assured, not only is it normal, but with the right approach, it’s often an opportunity to deepen understanding and strengthen your bond.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy occurs when one partner has a higher or lower level of sexual desire than the other. Even if partners start out with similar levels and interests, these differences may become more noticeable over the course of the relationship. Desire discrepancy can manifest in a variety of ways:

• One partner consistently initiates intimacy, while the other frequently declines.
• Intimate interactions feel more satisfying for one partner than the other.
• Intimacy becomes scheduled or feels routine, leading to dissatisfaction.
• One partner wants sexual activities that the other isn’t interested in.
• Both partners avoid discussing the issue for fear of conflict or hurt feelings.

This misalignment often feels more pronounced during certain life phases—after having children, during demanding career shifts, or amid physical or mental health struggles. It’s important to remember that this is not an unusual dynamic; in fact, it’s one of the most common challenges couples face.

Understanding the Roots of Desire Discrepancy

It’s expected that you will have basic differences from one another and that life experiences will change your desire over the years. Desire differences stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and relational factors. Some common factors are:

1. Biological Factors: Hormonal fluctuations, medical conditions, pregnancy and childbirth, aging, and medications can impact libido.
2. Psychological Factors: Stress, anxiety, depression, boredom, and trauma can diminish sexual desire.
3. Relationship Dynamics: Poor communication, unmet expectations, unresolved conflict, and lack of intimacy can dampen sexual interest.
4. Cultural or Personal Beliefs: Unspoken beliefs about sex—whether it’s taboo, performative, or transactional—can affect how each partner approaches intimacy.
5. Neurodiversity: Neurodiverse couples may experience unique challenges in sexual expression and intimacy, such as difficulty reading one another, sensory sensitivities, or different emotional experiences.

These factors don’t have to define your relationship. Exploring the “why” behind your differing desires may rebuild understanding and connection.

Many couples believe that they are on the same sexual page because they want it equally at the beginning of the relationship. This is unfortunate for many couples. When a relationship is new, our brains are doused in neurochemicals that increase desire. They usually wear off by 18 months into the relationship. Which is long after many couples have committed to one another.

What Desire Discrepancy Isn’t

Sex isn’t like you see on tv or in movies, especially in long-term relationships. Following the traditional cultural norms for sex can lead to many unfulfilled expectations. Debunking a few myths might help you see where you are stuck.

• It’s Not a Sign of a Bad Relationship. A difference in libido doesn’t automatically mean you’re incompatible. Instead, it’s about finding ways to bridge the gap.
• It’s Not Permanent. Passion and desire can be reignited in most relationships, even if you haven’t been affectionate or sexual with one another for a long time.
• It’s Not About Assigning Blame. Neither partner is “wrong” for wanting more—or less—intimacy.
• It’s Not a Fixed Problem. Needs and wants change over time. With the right tools, flexibility, communication strategies, and therapeutic support, most couples can find fulfilling solutions.
• It’s Not Inevitable. While intimacy in a long-term relationship doesn’t always look the same as in a brand new relationship, many couples retain a satisfying sexual life even after being together for decades.
• You’re Not Alone. Desire discrepancy is a wildly common problem and affects most couples at some point in the relationship.
• You’re Not Supposed to be the Same. You and your partner are supposed to be different in many ways. Being different is a strength in the relationship, not a problem to be overcome.

Addressing myths may help you identify where you are stuck in your relationship and suggest ways to bridge the gaps.

Why It Hurts: Emotional Fallout of Mismatched Desire

When sexual needs go unmet or miscommunicated, both partners can feel rejected or inadequate. For the higher-desire partner, repeatedly hearing “not tonight” responses might feel like personal rejection. For the lower-desire partner, pressure to engage may create anxiety or resentment. Both partners may feel unwanted and undesirable to their partner.

These feelings, if left unresolved, can seep into other areas of the relationship. You might find yourselves arguing over unrelated issues, avoiding time together, or feeling emotionally distant. While they are expected, they won’t help you bridge the differences.

Understanding Desire Discrepancy: More Than Just Sex

At its core, desire discrepancy isn’t just about the physical act of sex. It reflects deeper interpersonal dynamics such as:

• How do you and your partner communicate about intimacy?
• How comfortable are you expressing vulnerability?
• What do you each need to feel loved and desired?
• What gets in the way of feeling close?
• How can you celebrate and navigate innate differences between you?

Openly discussing the answers to these and other questions helps you think about the ways you are addressing the problem. Once you start to understand how you are different, you can start forming plans to improve the situation.

Reframing the Conversation: From Problem to Opportunity

Instead of viewing desire discrepancy as a problem, consider it an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. By approaching the issue with empathy, understanding, and open communication, you can work together to find solutions that meet both partners’ needs.

Practical Strategies for Bridging the Gap:

1) Enlist your partner as an ally rather than your enemy. This is a joint problem. You are in this boat together. You will sink or sail together. Engage your partner in productive, open-minded dialogue.

2) Redefine sex. Most couples define sex as intercourse. That’s all there is, right? Wrong. The sooner you redefine sex as intimacy, the happier you will both be. Intimacy includes all the activities that you and your partner find pleasurable, connecting, and that build desire. More on this in the next solution.

3) Seek pleasure. Be curious and open. That doesn’t mean you’re going to end up doing things you don’t want to do. There’s still a lot of good things to experience. Ask questions such as:

• Do you like this? How about that? 
• What gives you great joy? 
• What makes you feel complete? 
• How has desire changed for you in the past year? 
• What’s fun to think or talk about?

4) Solve the other problems in your relationship. Other problems creep (or storm!) into the bedroom. If you haven’t worked out how to share the workload or you argue often, it can kill the desire in the relationship. Hurt feelings and disappointments are hard to put aside when it’s time to be close. Resentment is particularly toxic to love. When you improve the rest of the relationship, intimacy often returns.

5) Make it safe to be vulnerable. Intimacy is all about being vulnerable. That’s almost impossible unless you also feel safe. A relationship can feel unsafe due to physical or emotional issues. Seek ways that make your partner feel safe and ask for changes that help you.

6) Be honest but kind. It is counterproductive to keep something to yourself to spare your partner’s feelings. You can’t fix problems that you don’t know about. It also backfires when you bluntly tell them what you think without considering the impact on them. When either of you feel criticized, blamed, or attacked, the part of your brain that solves problems shuts down. The trouble with avoiding conversations is, if you don’t know what your partner is thinking, it doesn’t mean it isn’t on their mind. You just don’t know that they are thinking about it.

7) Be curious about your partner. Without making it about you, find out what is happening for your partner. What is their relationship with sex? What’s affecting their drive and desire? What can stay on the table even if intercourse is off? There are a million questions that will help you understand what is happening for them. Understanding is the first step to finding satisfying solutions.

8) Solve problems about sex the way you would any other relationship dilemma. What is the problem you’re trying to solve? Frequency, desire, roadblocks, excitement, energy, health? Is it permanent and temporary? What are the other ways that you can solve this problem? Look for new ways to both feel satisfied.

9) Strengthen your relationship with “yes” and “no.” Most couples believe problems are destructive to relationships. Differences are also opportunities to make the relationship stronger. Say “yes” as often as possible to as many things as you can. When you say “no,” do it with kindness and offer an alternative. Ask your partner how you can say “no” and still make them feel loved.

10) Read “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s a how-to book on sex and intimacy. In fact, I read it in my 40s and learned a tremendous amount about myself and my partner.

When to Seek Help

Desire discrepancies can sometimes feel insurmountable without support. If you’re finding it difficult to navigate conversations about intimacy, or if feelings of rejection or resentment are growing, couples therapy can provide the tools you need.

Therapy isn’t about changing who you are or forcing a “compromise.” It’s about building mutual understanding and creating a relationship where both partners feel fulfilled.

The most important thing is to keep going. In a committed relationship, you are playing the long game. There’s time to explore options, be thoughtful, and use the problem to make your relationship better.

Does it help to know that you are in the same boat as everyone else? Maybe, maybe not. It feels desperate because it’s about sex. Continue working on it. This difference in your marriage is probably not going to go away. But there are good solutions.

Desire discrepancy doesn’t have to spell doom for your relationship. In fact, working through this challenge together can lead to greater intimacy, trust, and partnership. For neurodiverse and neurotypical couples alike, the key lies in compassion, communication, and a willingness to grow.

If you are struggling to work through Desire Discrepancy in your relationship and need support, Couples Sex Therapy can help. Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation today to learn more.