• Reasons Why Couples Go To Couples Therapy
• Talking to a Reluctant Spouse
• Choosing the Right Therapist: Your Relationship Deserves the Best
• Before the First Session
• Your First Therapy Sessions: What to Expect
• Getting the Easiest, Fastest Results
• Your Relationship Deserves Support

Have you ever looked at your partner and wondered, “How did we get here? What happened to the fun, laughter, and ease?” Maybe you find yourselves arguing over the smallest things, or perhaps the silence has grown louder between you. It’s easy to feel like your relationship is “less than” you expected, but you can reconnect and reignite the relationship.

Our identity and well-being are deeply tied to our most intimate relationship. The partner who we commit to shapes our future—where we live and work, how we spend our days, whether we have kids or pets or travel, and how we raise those kids. It even affects our health. This one decision influences every other part of our lives.

Over time, the importance of this one pivotal decision often fades into the background. Life demands our attention elsewhere—work, kids, friends, home, and extended family. As we focus on everything else, our relationship can move to the sidelines. Despite this lack of attention, we expect it to be the secure foundation for every other part of our lives.

Because your marriage or long-term relationship impacts so many areas of your life, when something feels off—or a full-fledged crisis hits—it can throw everything into disarray. A hint of infidelity, a growing addiction, parenting disagreements, or feeling disconnected aren’t small issues. They can shake the foundation of your life and hijack your thoughts, filling you with uncertainty and worry.

When this happens, it’s natural to seek answers to get your relationship back on track. You might dive into an endless stream of online advice—some helpful, some confusing, and some even harmful. After more than 20 years of helping couples, here’s my best advice:  Go to couples counseling sooner rather than later.

Couples counseling (also called relationship counseling, couples therapy, or marriage counseling) helps cut through the overwhelming flood of advice and gets to the heart of what will work for your unique relationship. It’s a highly effective way to navigate a crisis, bridge communication gaps, understand personality differences, and reconnect on a deeper level. Plus, a skilled couples counselor will help you repair the disappointments, hurts, and loneliness that can linger long after a relationship crisis.

The sooner you seek help, the bigger the impact. If you wait until a situation reaches a breaking point, fear and uncertainty can push people to react in ways that make healing harder. Repairing a relationship during a crisis takes more time and effort. Addressing concerns early—or proactively strengthening weaker areas—makes the process easier, more enjoyable, and far less stressful. Couples counseling isn’t just for couples in crisis; it’s for anyone who wants to improve their intimate relationship.

Couples don’t go to therapy because they’re weak. They go because they’re committed to one another. Because they believe in their relationship enough to do the hard work of growing together. Because love isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection, understanding, and support. Seeking help is one of the bravest and most loving steps you can take. Starting couples therapy can feel overwhelming, but this guide will walk you through the process. Whether you’re facing a crisis or simply uneasy about the direction of your relationship, my hope is that you’ll see therapy as an opportunity to bring joy, peace, and excitement back into your connection. No matter where you’re starting, you can build something strong and fulfilling together.

Reasons Why Couples Go To Couples Therapy

If you’re like many people, worries about your relationship creep into your thoughts when you’re lying awake at night. You might wonder if things will get better or feel unsure about what to do next. When you can’t quiet the worry and you feel stuck, it’s time to get help.

Even the best relationships can be challenging. Movies and TV often portray couples therapy as a last-ditch effort before breaking up, but that’s not true. Many couples go to therapy because they care about each other and want to strengthen their relationship. Therapy is a safe place to talk, resolve problems, and grow closer.

All relationships face tough times, but some challenges are bigger than others. If you’re dealing with trust issues, constant arguments, or feelings of doubt about the future of your relationship, therapy can help. These struggles might feel overwhelming, but they’re also a chance to rebuild trust and connection. 

Examples of big relationship challenges where couples benefit from counseling are:

• Recovering from an affair, broken boundaries, or financial infidelity
• Arguing that is too harsh, too personal, or happen too often
• Daydreaming about leaving the relationship
• Rebuilding trust after lying or keeping secrets
• Feeling stuck, disconnected, or frustrated for a long time

These crises signal that your relationship has gotten off track. Many couples can still repair and strengthen their bond, even in difficult situations. Therapy helps both partners feel heard and understood while finding ways to move forward together.

Even if there’s no major crisis, therapy can be beneficial. Sometimes couples feel stuck in the same arguments or struggle to resolve small problems that, despite talking about them, never seem to change. Over time, these frustrations create distance. Therapy helps you learn better ways to solve problems and grow closer as a couple.

Examples of everyday irritations where couples benefit from counseling are:

• Regularly bickering or arguing more than before
• Frequent misunderstandings
• Struggling to agree or compromise
• Wanting to feel closer emotionally or physically
• Dealing with lingering, unresolved issues

Therapy isn’t just about communicating better or solving problems—it’s about building a strong, fulfilling partnership. With the right tools and support, you can work through these challenges and build a relationship that feels more connected and peaceful.

Major Life Changes can also put extra stress on your relationship. Even happy events can create unexpected, new challenges. Therapy helps you adjust to these changes together, so you feel supported and connected during times of transitions.

Examples of major life changes when couples benefit from couples counseling are:

• Getting ready for or adjusting to marriage
• Welcoming a new baby
• Coping with a child’s illness or diagnosis
• Taking care of an aging parent
• Facing a job loss, career changes, or relocation

During these times, therapy can help you share feelings, plan for what’s ahead, and stay strong as a couple. Working together, you can turn life’s challenges into opportunities to grow closer.

Do you see yourself in any of these common situations couples face? Do you:

• Feel disconnected and avoid unresolved issues so you end up walking on eggshells around one another?
• Work well together most of the time but clash when solving problems? Do your arguments leave you feeling tense, hurt, and worried about the future?
• Have personal growth or crises, such as one partner’s career shift, addiction, mental health crisis, or health changes and are struggling to adjust to a “new normal.”
• Want to renegotiate your relationship, whether it’s redefining your dynamic after life changes, managing a sexless marriage, or opening your relationship to consensual non-monogamy?
• Have a decision to make about whether to stay together or separate peacefully after a relationship crisis such as an affair or financial betrayal?
• Struggle with specific issues, such as parenting differences, workload imbalance, or retirement plans, and need help finding win-win solutions?
• Struggle to open up about desires and sexual differences? Are you wanting to enhance your sexual connection? Are you trying to build a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship?
• Struggling to communicate due to differences in neurotype, communication styles, or relationship needs?

Whether you’re going through a tough time or just want to feel more connected, therapy gives you the tools to build a happier, healthier relationship. It’s a way to show that you want to grow and thrive together. Getting help takes courage, but it’s also an expression of love and caring.

Talking to a Reluctant Spouse

In most relationships, there is usually one partner who naturally tracks the health of the relationship. They notice when things are going well and when they’re off track. They are usually the one to bring up relationship issues.

If you hold this role, you’re likely the one suggesting couples counseling when problems persist. This conversation can be difficult, especially if your partner is reluctant. How you approach it can impact their willingness to consider therapy. Here’s how to navigate it with care and understanding.

Practical Tips for Engaging a Reluctant Spouse in a Conversation:

If your partner rejects the idea of therapy, feels defensive, or has shut down in the past, you may feel stuck. Here are strategies to keep the conversation productive:

1. Prepare Beforehand: Reflect on the struggles you’ve noticed and why you believe therapy could help. Research two or three options for improving your relationship. 
2. Choose the Right Moment: Timing is key. Bring up therapy during a calm moment—not in the middle of an argument or when emotions are running high. A relaxed setting, like going for coffee or taking a walk, can create a more receptive atmosphere.
3. Frame It Positively: Present therapy as a way to strengthen your relationship and improve your lives together, rather than a sign that something is broken.
4. Focus on the Issues: Link your suggestion to specific cycles or joint struggles and how they impact both of you. 
5. Manage your emotions: Monitor your own thoughts and feelings so you don’t become frustrated or defensive if they don’t immediately agree.
6. See It From Their Perspective: Acknowledge the reasons they may be reluctant to go to therapy. Some common concerns are cost, stigma, embarrassment, or vulnerability. Allow your partner time to process the information and consider their options. 
7. Respect Their Choice: While you can firmly express the importance of addressing the problem, respect their right to choose whether therapy is the right solution. They may prefer to try other methods of improving the relationship first.
8. Set Boundaries for the Conversation: Keep it short and suggest revisiting the topic later if they need time to think. 
9. Propose Trial Sessions: Suggest trying a few sessions or an initial assessment. This lowers the commitment barrier and provides an opportunity to evaluate the process together.
10. Avoid Pressure Tactics: Ultimatums or threats can damage your relationship. Never schedule an initial therapy session without their knowledge. This can create mistrust and resistance.

Remember, the goal is to have an open and honest conversation. Approaching it with patience and empathy can help your partner see therapy as an opportunity rather than a threat.

A Message to the Reluctant Spouse

If you’re the spouse who is hesitant about therapy, it’s probably not because you don’t love your partner. You may feel uncertain, embarrassed, or overwhelmed. Perhaps you believe therapy is only for extreme cases or are unsure if it will make a difference. These feelings are valid and common.

Effective couples therapy doesn’t assign blame or change who you are. Instead, it helps you build the relationship you both want. Imagine coming home to a partner who is genuinely happy to see you, is enthusiastically affectionate, and shares a sense of teamwork in navigating life’s challenges. These outcomes are possible and well worth the effort.

When your partner asks you to go to therapy, they’re expressing hope and faith in your relationship. They’re saying, “I believe in us, and I want to make our relationship even better.” Seeing this as an opportunity can bring you closer, strengthen your bond, and lead to lasting change and happiness.

Now is the best time to explore therapy. With more specialized therapists and telehealth options available, accessing help has never been easier. Take that first step toward claiming the relationship you both truly deserve.

Choosing the Right Therapist: Your Relationship Deserves the Best

Choosing a couples therapist can be overwhelming and time consuming. When I recently searched for my own new therapist, I poured over listings and websites, looking for clues that they might be able to help me. Admitting you need support feels vulnerable, and sorting through countless options can be exhausting.

The worst thing is to meet with a new therapist for a few sessions before realizing that they aren’t a good fit. Here are my best suggestions for making this search less painful:

• Learn About Different Therapy Approaches: Each couples therapy model offers unique insights and strategies. Consider which feels right for you.
  • Gottman Method: Uses research-based interventions to strengthen relationships, focusing on friendship, conflict management, and shared meaning. Known for its practical tools and research-backed strategies for improving relationship satisfaction. (This is the primary training of the Couples Counseling Center therapists.)
  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Creates secure emotional bonds by reshaping emotional interactions. Particularly effective for couples struggling with emotional disconnection.
  • Imago Relationship Therapy: Explores how childhood experiences shape relationship patterns. Helps couples understand unconscious dynamics and develop intentional connections.
  • Narrative Therapy: Helps couples “re-author” their relationship stories by identifying and challenging negative narratives.
  • Solution-Focused Brief Therapy: Solution-Focused Brief Therapy: Concentrates on solutions rather than problems, focusing on practical, forward-thinking strategies.
• Find a Therapist Who Specializes in Your Concerns: Look for someone who specifically mentions the issue you want to address. Website blogs or service pages on that topic indicate expertise and commitment.
• Check Their Professional Social Media: Their posts provide insight into their approach and personality
• Review Their Website: Therapists often outline their training, values, fees, and policies. If their language resonates with you, they may be a good fit.
• Take Advantage of Free Consultations: Many therapists offer 15-30 minute calls to discuss their approach. This isn’t therapy—just a way to gauge their style and fit. If possible, do this with your partner. If you are not sure what to ask them, here are some questions to start with:

Key Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist:

1. How long have you specialized in couples therapy?
2. What is your training in couples therapy?
3. What experience do you have with issues similar to ours?
4. What is your success rate of helping couples stay together?
5. How many sessions do you typically meet with couples?
6. How much does therapy cost, and how do you handle payments?
7. How do you handle it if one partner is reluctant to participate?
8. What format do your sessions follow (in-person, online, duration, frequency)?

If a therapist seems like a great fit but offers services differently than expected (such as online instead of in-person), be open to trying it. They structure their practice in a way that best fits their skills and expertise.

Choose the therapist who:

1. Has specific training in the issues or problems you want to address.
2. Communicates in a way that feels comfortable to you.
3. You can afford to meet with for 15 sessions over three months. Even if you don’t need that many sessions, you don’t want to drop out due to financial strain before you see results.

Choosing a therapist is a deeply personal decision. These tips will help you find a professional who can support your unique relationship journey. Trust your instincts.

Before the First Session

Paperwork and Preparation: After scheduling your first appointment, there are usually some steps to take prior to the first appointment. Although every therapy practice has their own process, they will typically tell you what needs to be completed on the phone or in an email. If you’re unsure, make sure to ask.

Like many therapists, the Couples Counseling Center uses an online client portal to complete these steps and communicate with your therapist. These systems are designed with the highest level of security to protect your confidential information.

Prior to an appointment at the Couples Counseling Center, you need to:

• Sign the Consent documents which include detailed descriptions of confidentiality, scheduling, payments, and practice policies.
• Upload a copy of your photo ID.
• Provide your insurance card if using your health insurance.
• Complete a Personal History Form which gives the therapist an overview of your background and concerns.

If you start therapy at another practice, be sure to ask about their specific pre-session procedures. If you don’t finish the steps, you will often need to spend time during the first session completing them. Completing these steps ahead of time allows you to maximize the first session discussing your concerns rather than handling paperwork.

Your First Therapy Sessions: What to Expect

At the beginning of the initial session, most therapists will review their policies and answer any questions before diving into your concerns. The rest of the session is typically spent discussing the issues that brought you to therapy and sharing relevant background information. Some therapists follow a structured interview format, while others allow you to lead the discussion.

In the first few sessions, you can expect to:

• Share the story of your relationship.
• Discuss individual and shared histories.
• Identify key challenges.
• Establish therapy goals.
• Create a safe space for difficult conversations.

If you are nervous, let your therapist know. They are highly skilled at putting clients at ease. If it helps, jot down a list of concerns or key points to share with them so you won’t forget anything that’s important to you.

Many people feel a sense of relief after the first session because they are able to talk openly about their worries. However, it can also be frustrating that your therapist needs time to understand your situation before offering deeper insights and suggestions. For couples, it can occasionally lead to upsetting revelations if either of you feel attacked or learn new things about your partner.

At the end of the session, your therapist will tell you about the next steps and schedule your next appointment. Some therapists assign homework—writing it down can help you remember and follow through.

Most therapists recommend weekly sessions at the beginning of therapy so you’ll get the fastest relief. If you are in a relationship crisis, you can meet more often. Once you start seeing changes, you may transition to meeting every other week or once a month. Many couples benefit from periodic check-ins with their therapist to maintain their long-term success.

Getting the Easiest, Fastest Results

Couples therapy can be a powerful way to improve your relationship, but its success depends on a few key factors. Therapy works best when both partners are engaged and invest their time and energy in improving the relationship. Even in the face of challenges, a mindset of learning and growth is essential.

You’re more likely to see meaningful improvements if:

• You both are committed to the relationship. Commitment provides a foundation for progress. When both partners want to make the relationship work, it’s easier to stay focused on solutions rather than quitting during tough moments.
• You’re willing to be vulnerable and take emotional risks. Therapy asks you to step outside your comfort zone. Sharing your fears, insecurities, and feelings may feel risky, but it’s essential for rebuilding trust and deepening intimacy.
• You acknowledge your part in relationship challenges. Blaming your partner won’t lead to growth. When each of you takes responsibility for your actions, it opens the door to real change.
• You’re open to learning new skills. Effective communication, problem solving, and disagreeing with kindness doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but they are skills that can be learned. Therapy provides tools and strategies to help you listen better, express your needs clearly, and resolve conflicts effectively.
• You seek to understand your partner more deeply. Being curious about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences creates a sense of connection and teamwork.
• You tailor the therapy to your needs. This includes asking questions when you don’t understand, taking notes if it helps you focus or remember, honestly sharing your skepticism, and speaking up if an intervention doesn’t fit you.

The most transformative therapy happens when couples view their relationship as a collaborative effort. Rather than focusing on who is right or wrong, the goal is to create a relationship dynamic that works for both partners. Therapy offers a space to uncover hidden strengths, navigate challenges, and celebrate progress.

Ultimately, the couples who benefit the most from counseling are those who approach it with an open mind and a shared commitment to growth. Therapy doesn’t promise overnight fixes, but with patience, effort, and support, it can guide you to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

While every couple’s journey is unique, most begin to see meaningful changes around the three-month mark. Signs that therapy is working include:

• Changes in how you and your partner interact between sessions.
• Fewer miscommunications and arguments.
• More constructive discussions on difficult topics.
• Practical solutions emerging for recurring challenges.
• Feeling heard and understood by your partner.
• Increased empathy and emotional connection.

Be patient with the process. But, also look for signs that things are moving in the right direction.

Your Relationship Deserves Support

Every great relationship requires work. Therapy isn’t always about fixing something that’s broken—it’s about creating something stronger, more resilient, and more fulfilling.

If you’re ready to improve your relationship, schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation today to explore how therapy can help you.

Your love story is worth writing—and rewriting—together.