When it comes to long term relationship sex, “it’s complicated.” You are probably feeling frustrated that in your relationship, it’s not spontaneous and easy. These are the answers you’ve been searching for.
Challenging Assumptions: 4 Surprising Facts About Long Term Sex
Before we dive into the reading guide, let’s challenge some common assumptions that might be keeping you stuck. As a couples sex therapist, I know these research backed facts about long term relationships and intimacy are surprising to most people:
- Sex often gets better as people age, even if they have chronic illnesses or ailments. (Wait, what? Learn more in Magnificent Sex*.)
- Most women are put on high alert (the opposite of what you want for good sex) by actions many men would consider neutral and natural. (Find out more in The Man’s Guide to Women*.)
- Couples researchers can predict the likelihood of divorce within the next five years based on your use of the “Four Horsemen.” (This has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with how you disagree. Learn more in The Seven Principles*.)
- No amount of “spicing it up” will increase the frequency of sex in your relationship if your brake pedals are pushed. (Read about it in Come As You Are*.)
(* As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small amount from qualifying purchases.)
You are searching for answers to your relationship questions because you are committed to your relationship. Feeling attractive and desired used to be easy. Now, you and your partner struggle to connect physically. It’s reached the point where it feels like a chore or only happens when everything’s perfect in the relationship. Maybe you are tired of asking and getting rejected. Or maybe you wonder if you will ever desire it again.
Contrary to popular belief, sex can get better with your long term partner. It doesn’t have to fizzle out completely or become routine and boring. Even better, your sex life can improve with age, instead of becoming plagued with the difficulties of getting older.
How?
As a couples sex therapist, I recommend these books to read and put into practice. They will not just rekindle your intimacy but help you create a deeply satisfying sex life. You don’t need to implement every strategy to see improvements. Instead, look for the tools that will specifically bridge the differences in your unique relationship. All are chocked full of ideas, skills, and tools to choose from.
You could ask AI for sex advice, but what makes your relationship come alive are the nuances, which no algorithm can capture. At its heart, AI smooths out the details and gives you the sum of the internet. But your relationship is special and unique, and those nuances are exactly what make it work.
All of these books are available as audiobooks. If you aren’t a reader, you still have access to these powerful ideas.
Whether you’re dealing with desire discrepancy, different sexual interests, or a sexual dysfunction, these resources may be the exact solutions you’ve been looking for. They’ll help you transform your sex life from a power struggle or hopeless situation to a source of vibrancy and connection.
Your Reading Guide
While you could read the books in any order, I’ve suggested them in an order that tries to mirror couples therapy. Therapy would be more tailored to your specific issues, but it often follows this general pathway.
We start with the relationship foundation because sexual connection requires everyday functioning. Once your relationship skills improve, you can move on to understanding the way your bodies work and addressing misconceptions. Finally, we challenge the notion of “functional sex” to help you aim for extraordinary intimacy.
Step 1: Fix Your Core Relationship Issues
The books in this section address common relationship problems such as miscommunication, frequent arguing, difficulty solving problems, and emotional disconnection. You need to start here. If you can’t work out who is getting groceries, you’ll struggle to successfully negotiate great sex.
Recommendation:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert*
by John Gottman
This book is crucial if: You frequently repeat the same arguments, struggle to work as teammates, or feel you and your partner are drifting apart emotionally.
This is the book that changed the path of my career. It finally explained why my husband and I have a good relationship despite not doing the things I was teaching couples at the time. Now, I help couples implement these empirically based skills that transform how they interact.
Gottman’s tools hold up with my clients, explaining why their arguments are so damaging, how their communication is hurting them, and why they aren’t connecting. It shows you how to fix many common problems. While Gottman’s work is written for the majority, with minor tweaking and tailoring, the tools are effective for all the couples I’ve worked with.
Recommendation:
The Autism Relationships Handbook: How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love*
by Joel Biel
This book is crucial if: You often feel confused by your partner’s reactions or struggle to understand the “unspoken rules” of your relationship.
Before you dismiss this book because the word Autistic is in the title, consider its valuable content. It clearly describes many of the hidden rules and cues of relationships and provides detailed advice on how to successfully interact in relationships. This is invaluable to anyone who struggles to understand their partner and frequently finds themselves in disagreements or second guessing themselves after an interaction.
The relationship advice is direct and accessible. You don’t have to read between the lines. If you have any neurodiversity, even just a few traits, this book may provide the answers you have been searching for that other self-help books just imply.
Step 2: The Sex Ed You Never Got
The books in this section provide the sex education they didn’t teach you in school and you won’t learn from watching porn. These books are not “how to” manuals with techniques to spice up the bedroom. Instead, they give you the specific tools to understand what’s happening in the body, with suggestions to improve the interactions between you.
Reading these books transformed how I think and talk about sex with clients, and in my own long term relationship.
Recommendation:
The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want*
by John Gottman
This book is crucial if: You feel like you’re always getting it wrong and don’t know why or you often feel criticized by your partner.
Although this book is written using strict heteronormative gender specific language, it specifically addresses many of the misconceptions partners have about one another. It’s directed at men, so it’s short, direct, and to the point.
The book clearly describes what men have been missing or misunderstanding about their partners. The best way to use it is to read it together and discuss how the information fits your specific relationship. Some ideas will solve your problems, while others won’t apply. Even when the book doesn’t perfectly describe you, the topics are a great way to open conversations about what is true for each of you.
Recommendation:
Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life *
by Emily Nagoski
This book is crucial if: You are experiencing low desire and arousal or if sex doesn’t live up to what you thought it would be.
Come as You Are compiles everything that is currently known about women’s sexuality in one informative and engaging book. It covers your “secret garden,” the differences between responsive and spontaneous desire, and the gas and brake pedal analogy of arousal. Nagoski’s case studies bring each concept to life.
Although it focuses on women, many of the ideas apply to men and can help you understand your partner better.
Step 3: Expect More From Sex
This final book takes you from functional sex to extraordinary sex. Those who are having the best sex aren’t counting orgasms or length of intercourse. They transcend the fastest route to orgasm by seeking a much deeper connection.
Recommendation:
Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers*
by Peggy Kleinplatz
This book is crucial if: Your sex life is functional but boring, or you want to pursue a deep, transcendent level of connection that performance sex never achieved.
Magnificent Sex provides the research findings on the eight critical components of the best kinds of sex. It examines toxic myths that prevent most of us from having remarkable sex. It makes helpful recommendations for couples to think about and pursue sex differently than conventional wisdom advocates. Kleinplatz’s research shows that people don’t give up sex when they’ve had truly satisfying experiences, even when their bodies or relationships change. You’ll walk away with a transformed outlook on intimacy and sex.
When I read this book, I realized how limiting many traditional interventions for long term couples are. Therapeutic and medical interventions mostly focus on getting people to have sex, perform “normally,” and avoid boredom. Few focus on the quality of the experience. The book was immediately applicable to my work, and inspired me to encourage couples to push beyond performance and instead focus on satisfaction, desire, and deeper relationship connection.
Beyond the Reading List
Not everything in these books will apply to you. That’s ok. In fact, it’s good. You’re not looking for a cookie cutter solution. Instead, you are gathering ideas, tools, and skills to bridge the differences between you and your partner so you can have a deeply satisfying, long lasting relationship.
By the way, my non-therapist husband, who doesn’t gravitate to relationship self-help books, has approved these. I only ask him to read the best of them, and he would 100% tell me if he thought they sucked.
If reading a bunch of books and sorting through the tools isn’t something you and your partner want to do, consider me your shortcut. I’ve not only read these books, but many others. When you work with me, I bring this and vastly more knowledge to our work. I can suggest the tools that are mostly likely to work for you. I also help you tailor the skills and implement them successfully in your relationship.
Want support with this work? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if I’m a good fit to solve your relationship challenges, sexual or otherwise.
(*This article contains Amazon Affiliate links which allows the author to earn a small commission on qualified purchases.)
