Love stories often follow a familiar script: boy meets girl, they fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. But real-life relationships are rarely so straightforward. Sometimes, love evolves in unexpected ways, and the traditional markers of romance may take a backseat. For couples choosing sexless marriages, the story is one of resilience, adaptation, and a profound commitment to each other.

I’m a strong advocate for couples to be intimate with one another for as long as possible. But, even more importantly, they should cultivate a relationship that uniquely meets their needs–regardless of how that might compare to others’ relationships.

The number of sexless couples is surprisingly high, especially as people age. Research has found that approximately 15% of couples are considered to be “sexless,” meaning they have sex 10 or fewer times a year. Like other aspects of sex, this narrow definition doesn’t capture the whole story. The media often portrays that all sexless couples are unhappy, but this assumption is misleading. Rarely do studies ask sexless couples about their relationship satisfaction, leaving their actual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors unknown.

Now, if the amount or quality of sex is a problem for either partner, it will disproportionately impact your relationship satisfaction. Addressing it productively is essential—whether that means having open conversations, negotiating solutions, adjusting boundaries, or seeking couples sex therapy. Much like with affairs, making a unilateral decision about your joint sexuality will hurt the relationship and may be a breach of trust with your partner–even if either of you are convinced you know what your partner thinks and wants.

Fun fact: Even couples who know each other well misinterpret their partner’s thoughts or feelings more than 50% of the time.

Fun fact: Research shows that in most sexless couples, it’s overwhelmingly the male partner who unilaterally decides to end sexual activity in the relationship.

This article is for the couple who wants to be intentional in decisions about sexuality in their relationship.

You and your partner are sexual allies. Whether or not you openly discuss your sexual needs, you share a responsibility to care about each other’s well-being. Being sexual allies means understanding what your partner needs and collaborating to ensure both partners’ needs are met. This doesn’t mean “taking one for the team,” fulfilling a spousal duty, or guilting your partner into meeting your needs. Instead, it means working together to find collaborative, win-win solutions that respect and address both of your needs.

There are many legitimate and reasonable reasons why your relationship might become sexless. These reasons often stem from natural life changes, health challenges, or evolving emotional dynamics that affect sexual intimacy.

• Aging: Changes in libido and energy levels often occur naturally with age.
• Loss of sexual functioning: Issues like erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, or loss of sensation can impact sexual activity.
• Lack of passion: Over time, couples may experience a decline in romantic or sexual excitement, often referred to as “roommate syndrome.”
• Health problems: Chronic conditions like diabetes, heart disease, or hormonal imbalances can affect sexual desire or ability.
• Injuries: Physical limitations or pain from accidents or surgeries may make sexual activity challenging.
• Mental health concerns: Anxiety, depression, or trauma can reduce interest in or capacity for sexual connection.
• Stress: Life pressures, parenting responsibilities, or work stress can lead to exhaustion and lower libido.

Similarly, there are many legitimate and reasonable reasons why you might want to stay together despite a sexless relationship. These reasons often reflect the deeper emotional bonds, shared goals, and practical benefits that form the foundation of your partnership.

• Companionship: Sharing life with a partner provides emotional connection and reduces loneliness.
• Love: A deep, abiding affection for your partner may outweigh the need for a sexual relationship.
• Security: A stable relationship can offer emotional, physical, or financial security.
• Shared life goals: Raising children, pursuing dreams, or achieving long-term plans together fosters a sense of partnership.
• Wealth: Managing finances, maintaining a lifestyle, or preserving joint assets may be a practical consideration.
• Commitment: Many couples choose to honor their vows or shared history, valuing loyalty and stability.
• Family ties: Staying together for the benefit of children or extended family relationships may feel like the best choice.
• Mutual respect: Valuing the trust and partnership you’ve built over time can be a reason to stay connected.

To have a happy sexless marriage, you’ll need to decide together how to move forward as a couple. This requires open communication, mutual understanding, and a shared commitment to building a fulfilling relationship that works for both of you. While society often emphasizes sex as central to happiness, many couples find deep satisfaction through other forms of connection. By addressing your feelings and redefining intimacy, you can create a relationship that aligns with your unique needs and values.

Redefining Intimacy

Here are some steps to take:

1. Before talking about this with your partner, reflect on your values, desires, and needs regarding sexuality. For example, ask yourself whether physical intimacy, emotional closeness, or both are priorities for you.
2. Respectfully and kindly talk with your partner about your thoughts and feelings related to your joint sexuality. Approach the conversation with empathy, aiming to create a safe space for honesty and vulnerability.
3. Identify the barriers to having good sex and maintaining the way you had sex earlier in the relationship. This might include physical changes, emotional disconnects, or practical challenges like lack of time or energy.
4. Talk about your individual needs for closeness, affection, passion, and sex. Discuss what is presently satisfying and where there are gaps in meeting each partner’s needs. For instance, one partner might prioritize non-sexual touch, like hugging or holding hands, while the other might seek emotional intimacy through quality time.
5. Explore alternate ways of feeling close, being affectionate, sharing passion, and being sexual together. Reject cultural norms about what satisfying sex should look like, and focus on what feels pleasurable and meaningful for you as a couple. Examples might include sensual massages, deep conversations, or playful activities that spark joy and connection.
6. Renegotiate your boundaries so you each get your needs met, if needed. This might involve redefining what intimacy looks like, opening your relationship boundaries, or considering new ways to satisfy both physical and emotional needs.
7. Acknowledge and grieve the sexual relationship you had so you can make room for something new. Recognize that mourning the changes in your relationship is normal and can open the door to building something equally fulfilling in a different way.
8. Promise to check in with one another periodically to make sure you are both satisfied with your agreements. For example, set a regular time to talk openly about how things are going and make adjustments as needed.

These conversations may be challenging. In fact, you may need to talk about sex in ways that you never have before. However, just because a conversation is uncomfortable doesn’t mean that it’s not worth having. In the end, the effort to communicate openly and intentionally can strengthen your bond and bring you closer together.

Better Communication

To have a productive conversation, it’s important to approach it with intention, patience, and mutual respect. Sensitive topics, especially those involving intimacy and unmet needs, can bring up strong emotions. To ensure your conversations are effective, it’s important to create a positive and open environment where each of you feel heard and valued. By focusing on shared goals and maintaining a spirit of collaboration, you can navigate even the most delicate discussions.

• Set aside time to talk. Choose opportunities when you’re both calm and free from distractions to focus on the discussion.
• Take frequent breaks. Whether the conversation becomes overwhelming or tense, you’ve talked about everything you can think of, or either of you are tired, pause and return to it later with a clearer mindset.
• Be both honest and kind in your discussions. Share your thoughts openly while remaining considerate of your partner’s feelings and perspectives.
• Explore all options, even those that have felt uncomfortable in the past. Sometimes, the best solutions come from ideas you initially dismissed or avoided.
• Be patient if this takes weeks or months to reach an agreement. Remember, lasting solutions require time, trust, and effort to develop.
• Make a good faith effort to stay engaged in discussions for the good of each of you.

You owe it to yourself and one another to adjust your relationship during different seasons of life to make sure both of your needs are met.
If you’re struggling to communicate about delicate topics or find collaborative, win-win solutions, couples sex therapy can help. A therapist can guide you through these conversations, reduce unnecessary conflict, and uncover creative solutions that work for both of you. Investing in professional support may help you bypass some of the challenges and build a stronger, more satisfying relationship.

If you are struggling to work through Desire Discrepancy in your relationship and need support, Couples Sex Therapy can help. Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation today to learn more.

Schedule a free phone consultation to learn how couples sex therapy can improve your relationship.

Resources

Hinnekens, C., Sillars, A., Verhofstadt, L. L., & Ickes, W. (2020). Empathic accuracy and cognitions during conflict: An in‐depth analysis of understanding scores. Personal Relationships, 27(1), 102–131. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12311

McCarthy, B. W. (2021, April 5). When a couple stops having sex, whose choice is it?. Psychology Today.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-paradox-of-sex/202104/when-a-couple-stops-having-sex-whose-choice-is-it